Why do I keep picking the same kind of partners?
I had someone ask this of me during a counselling session; for that matter I have frequently had people ask me this. As a counsellor, have you received this question? What do you say to your clients?
I will assess the situation and then offer a few ideas in response, such as;
- What type of partner are you looking for?
- Are you taking the first that person comes along?
- Have you made a list of the qualities you want in a partner?
- Have you made a list of what is acceptable and not acceptable in a partner?
- Do you know what the warning signs look like for you?
- Do you heed the warning signs?
- Do you feel you are deserving of the partner you would like to have?
- Have you done your inner work to heal your heart space?
- Have you released past hurts and traumas?
- Are you comfortable with being alone without being lonely?
Most often the person will look at me with huge eyes and wonder what just happened. Of course, I do not rhyme off a long list, but over the time we are together I will integrate the 10 questions into the discussion. The individual will offer answers and explanations.
Another point is when they are seeking a partner to be in their life for more than a few weeks, it is important for them to have healed some of their heart hurts and traumas. If this is not done, the person they attract will be a broken and hurting person. The combination of two hurt people does not make for a healthy start to a healthy long-term relationship.
Those who truly want to heal from past traumas and losses will understand and take the steps necessary to be the best they can be mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. From this healed spot amazing things can grow.
I tell my clients, the type of person you meet when you are not well is not the same type of person you will meet when you are no longer carrying a heavy burden of grief, loss or trauma.
There are relationships that survive when there is a lot of heart hurts going around, but when you look at them, how healthy are the relationships.
Ultimately, the choice belongs to the client. As a counsellor, we can offer suggestions or ideas that may make the process easier and, in some cases, faster.
No matter what…. keep shining for those who need you the most.
All my best,
Barbara Gillett Saunders