Over the years of counselling many individuals, I have noticed how people physically hold the stress from loss and traumas in their body; including their face.  I have always said grief is mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.  I cannot see the spiritual components on the outside of someone, but the other three aspects are revealed on their face.

The experiences of mental agony, distressing feelings and increased physical pain or stress are often visible on a person’s face; sometimes for years.  Often the first time I meet a person is when they are experiencing trauma and grief losses.  Over time I begin to see a smile and softness start to appear in their face.

Of particular interest to me are a person’s eyes.  I truly believe the saying; “the eyes are a window into the soul”.  When stress and grief are present in an individual’s life their eyes seem to be dark and empty.  There can be a faraway gaze that looks nowhere; do you know what I mean?

Comments such as; “I do not cry”, “I cannot remember the last time I smiled”, I don’t feel anything anymore” and “I just don’t want to be here (in this life) and experience this pain and grief any longer, I’m done!” are expressed often with grief. The verbalizations of these feelings are part of the releasing.

The release of grief for whatever reason and in whatever manner, over time has a way of opening a door a little and letting the light or brightness shine on an individual.  Hmm, I wonder if the light has been there all along, but is buried in the sadness.  The softening of the face starts with a smile and a soft remembering.   

This is when the eyes start to sparkle and shine.  You know there is more inside that person than darkness and grief.  The tense, furrowed lines become rounded curves where the colour in their cheeks becomes pink.  The grey tint to their skin disappears.

For one individual it might be the first time they looked at the pictures of their deceased child and see the funny moments instead of the death.  For another individual it might be opening the curtains and seeing daylight or feeling the warmth of the sun.  I want to add a note here that not everyone is able to release their grief in what society thinks has been long enough; therefore, seeming to be may be stuck in grief.

Some people need more time and help opening the door of their hearts

and letting the softness return to their face;

to smile and see the sparkle in their own eyes.

All my best,

Barbara Gillett Saunders