Both concepts are accurate.  One person who experienced several losses over the past 7 decades told me they were too old to start looking at what may be causing their difficulties in life; even admitting grief was a large part of the problem.

In this case I thought to myself, “how sad that an individual makes the decision to stay in a spot of emotional, spiritual and physical pain”.  When someone else’s story touched me or caused me to ponder why, I knew this was when I needed to look at myself.

How often did I stay in a similar spot and for how long?  I knew the negative effect my decisions had on my mind, body and spirit?  Why did I do that to myself again and again?  It was easy…so I thought, easier than looking deeper into what was hiding behind sadness and grief.

I came to understand the why behind part of someone else’s story no matter what decision was made.  The ability to find inner strength and guidance were important for me to continue and move forward in life.  I had seen this inner strength and guidance in someone who chose to not to move forward at that time.

One individual who experienced many losses chose to not move forward in an effort to be supportive of someone else.  This decision was made with full awareness and understanding of the potential sacrifice being made.  I was the one who initially viewed this as a sacrifice but the individual indicated this was a choice made out of love.

Hmmm, what decisions had I make out of love to not move forward with my life?  There had been some, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

What are your reasons for not moving forward?

Do you need help to move forward?  Connect and we can talk www.healingaheartsloss.com

All my best

Barbara

I remember when I was first alone after a 29 year relationship ended.  I asked myself, “How is this different than before?”  Included with this question was am I okay now and will I be okay in the future?

THE FUTURE, WOW, what was that going to look like?  I sought counselling and was given a book to read that gave directions for outlining a plan of action, a way to get me started.  I thought about where I would like to be in 6 months, 1 year and 5 years.

Between the tears and the focusing over several days I compiled a plan to move forward with my life, I should say a sort of plan.  I had written down what I did not want in my life and a list of what I did want.  This was not my bucket list, it was a loose way of saying I made the effort to put some thought into what life might be.

I must say, I felt better for making an effort…a pat on the back, good work Barb.  Ya, right; who was I fooling?  If it was that easy everyone would feel better in a short time after a loss.  After feeling sad, lonely and afraid to delve into the topic of what do I want to make of myself now; I finally “DID” the plan.

Making a decision was the hardest for me and many people will tell you it still is the hardest thing for me to do.  See, I admit it, does that mean half of the problem was solved?  Maybe, but I still had to step into the choices I made, knowing there was no right or wrong choice.

One choice led to a “job” and then another job which eventually led to college and to university which was not in my initial plan.  Life gradually moved me forward over a bumpy road that got smoother over time.

Having choices and making decisions to move forward brought with it joy, friendships and experiences I would not have had if I didn’t take that first step forward.

I am grateful for the inner strength I found and the numerous supportive people I met along the way.  I couldn’t have done it without you.

All my best

Barbara

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

Continuing from the main theme for April 2013 newsletter of talking to individuals who are dying, I am opening the door for discussion and thoughts on children dying from an illness or whatever reason. 

Young children unable to talk can sense how others are reacting.  Emotions carrying a heaviness of fear, anxiety and sadness are difficult for family members to hide.  A child this age will not understand a conversation about death but will respond to love, and all that goes with this added security.

Many older children understand the aspect of dying and are able to communicate this, but as family members are you ready for this conversation? What does your scenario look like?

• We both know and we both talk about it
• We both know and no one talks about it
• I know you are dying but no one has officially told you that you are dying
• I know something is wrong but no one has told me

Actions speak louder than words.

Dying children are known to keep some of their feelings inside in an effort to make others feel better and try to protect their loved ones from hurt and sadness. A dying child may want to make arrangements for friends or family to have some of their possessions.  A sibling may want to share their feelings and concerns with a dying brother or sister, and their family.

What happens to the individuals involved when a child is dying?  Parents, siblings, grandparents and extended family members have their reactions to an impending loss. Keeping the lines of communication open can allow for everyone to share their concerns and feelings. (Grief reactions are different for everyone)

Consider for a moment, what might happen when the door to discussing death is opened?

• Enable love to be shared more freely
• Enable sharing of stories, some of which may be funny
• Open direct communication of concerns and decision making
• Allow for good byes
• Allow for reassurance for the dying child that everything will be done to keep them free of pain, comfortable, loved, comforted and not alone
• Allow for questions to be asked about spiritual or religious beliefs

When someone is dying, often times they do not know who is safe to share their concerns with; concerns can include spiritual experiences.  Are you a safe person? Open the doors for discussion on this topic and watch what happens.  

This is not meant to be a one size fits all solution but a few ideas to consider at a time when life seems out of control.  No matter what decision is made, in many cases children are aware they are going to die when the time is getting closer.   

What can you do to?

This is an ENORMOUS question when helping someone who is dying means letting go.

LETTING GO IS HARD TO DO!

The grief from a loss is immense and sometimes talking to someone

for direction can be helpful.

For a FREE consultation; connect at http://healingaheartsloss.com/#!/contact-us/

All my best,

Barbara Saunders

“Image courtesy of  Phaitoon/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

I decided to share my experience of the day my elder daughter went in the hospital to deliver her second child, her first is now aged 10.  I am normally not an over protective parent who hovers over their child like a mother hen but this day was different. 

The difference was not the fact my daughter was having a baby, but I was more hyper vigilant with my thoughts and actions towards the whole process.  You may wonder why be more hyper vigilant?

About a month ago I attended the funeral of a full term baby who was doing well one day and the next day, prior to being born, complications arose.  I did not tell my daughter about this situation and the subsequent funeral service I attended. 

My heightened awareness came across as being a protective and concerned parent.  I thought I was doing a good job of it until, after telling her husband to check on this and do that, make sure this is okay…etc.,  I was told, “You are her mom, go ask the nurse yourself”.

Wow!  “Yes, I am the mom and I am going to do exactly that…check on things myself”.  I marched down the hall and watched as the nurse did her job checking monitors, documenting etc.  I then asked questions and got good answers.  I was making sure everything was being done to ensure mom and baby were okay. 

Fear of the unknown and the, what if something happens was a strong combination.  As time went on the staff had their own concerns about the delivery process and were monitoring everything more closely.  Perhaps there was more to this than fear. 

Maybe instinct, intuition, a mother’s knowing or whatever you want to call it kicked into high gear for me.  The point, even though I tried to be “calm”, I wasn’t doing a very good job of it and in all actuality it does not matter.    

I know in my heart, the experience of losing a child is devastating and life is not to be taken for granted.  On that day the outcome was good, a healthy baby boy.

Do you have concerns with loss and grief in your life?

Connect with me for a FREE consultation at http://healingaheartsloss.com/contact/ and learn more of what I offer?

All my best

Barbara Saunders

I have noticed the “ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM” on many occasions and to be honest, sometimes I have been afraid of that elephant.  You might wonder what she is talking about.  You know, that thought in your mind that tells you and others there is something none of us want to mention.

When illness brings with it the inevitability of death, there is a shadow or a cloud that looms in the understanding of it all.  When grandma was diagnosed with cancer the cloud appeared and the typical reactions from family and friends began to occur.

I know ? you know & we talk openly

I knew what was going on, that grandma had cancer and the news was not good.  Grandma knew the same things I did and we openly talked about them.  We talked about what it was like, as she described, “to feel the essence of her energy leave her body”, as she became weaker and over time unable to take care of herself.  I listened as she stated, “it wasn’t supposed to happen this way”.

I know ? you know & we don’t talk about it

I remember a long time, close friend of my grandma’s who knew what was going on but could not bring herself to talk about the cancer.  The friend and grandma both knew and felt the elephant in the room but no one spoke about it.  Soon the friend stopped visiting and calling on the phone.  I know the friend still cared and was hurting inside but I also know the hurt she caused grandma.

Is there a right or wrong here?  How much does fear get in the way?  I understand it is difficult emotionally, spiritually etc.  For myself, I feel I was given a gift.  The “gift” was time, love and grandma sharing her experiences, thoughts and beliefs.  The most important gift she felt she received before dying was having family including grandchildren and great grandchildren (school aged) come and see her.

For all that grandma shared with me, our conversations were not always focused on death and loss; cherished moments were remembering memories with a loved one.

How will you remember or be remembered when death is a cloud in your life?

All my best

Barbara Saunders

“Image courtesy of  imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

“Oh, no” may be first thought that comes to mind when you realize someone is dying.  The accompanying feeling of hollowness in the pit of your stomach may set the stage for subsequent decisions and choices made when asking the question, “What do I do now?”  For many people, avoidance is the popular solution.

Avoidance can be due to several reasons such as;

• Feeling uncomfortable near a dying person
• Fear of not knowing what to say or how to act
• Triggers or reminds you of your own experiences of loss (perhaps unresolved)
• Not wanting to upset anyone
• Not wanting to be upset in front of someone else
• Too busy or that is what you tell yourself
• Do not want to be in the room alone with someone who is dying
• Not wanting to see the dying person in pain
• Not wanting to have this memory of the dying person
• Guilt, for whatever reason
• Do not want to say “good-bye” or can’t
• Belief system
• Worthiness or feeling not worthy

Everyone is different in how they deal with death and dying.

I realize there are legitimate reasons for not being with someone who is dying and there are times when a dying individual does not want someone there.  Sometimes family discord prevents people from doing, saying or behaving in a certain manor for fear of how things will be perceived.

For a moment, put “YOU” in the dying person’s position, what does this feel like when few people come to visit or no one comes?

• Isolated
• Lonely
• Sad

Many of us will feel or have felt this isolation, loneliness and sadness after a loss but for the dying individual, who is alone, perhaps fearful of what is to come, just knowing someone is there by their side may speak volumes without saying a word.

Other blog postings this month will touch on care givers, saying good bye, the “secret” of not mentioning what everyone knows and more.

All my best 

Barbara

Image courtesy of Tom Curtis / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The teenage years can be a time of struggling with everything and everyone from parents, friends, school and authority.  The difficulty of teenagers separating from parents/family, becoming their own person and creating the independence necessary for their future can be a stressful process.  Now, add components of grief and loss.  How does this look and feel to the teenager and the people who are concerned for this individual? 

Take into account how the factors of unpredictable or uncontrollable emotions and hormones can be more difficult when grief and loss are present.  Positive supports from family, friends and community are needed at this time for continued development and understanding of the grief process.

There may be a need;

• To express anger
• Feel resentment
• Feel uncertainty
• Talk about their fears
• To express sadness
• To be alone
• To vent or release rage
• To be with peers
• To be away from adults

Most of all it is important to be recognized as a grieving person too!

From a generalized, developmental aspect the part of the brain that controls emotions, impulses and decision making is not fully developed in a teenager.

Teenagers may;

• Think their grief is different than what others experience
• Try to suppress grief reactions
• Respond as a younger child grieving
• Seem to come and go with their grief reactions
• Want to fit in with their friends and not be seen as different because of a loss

Teenagers need

• Emotional support from adults
• Minimal conflict in the home
• Social support from friends
• Talk with their friends about the loss BUT friends may not know what to say or do

I remember a story of several teenaged friends dying and no one talked about the deaths.  The teenager eventually grew up with a fear of letting people get too close to their heart and stated, “If someone gets too close to me and I tell them I care or I love them, then they will die”.

 Imagine, growing up with a fear of loving someone all connected to previous loss experiences that were never talked about. 

You can change this for the teenagers in your life…talk about grief and loss.

All my best

                        Barbara Saunders

“Image courtesy of   Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

Today I am going to focus on children aged 7 to 11; keep in mind the age grouping is approximate due to children developing and maturing at different rates.

Some of the information being pointed out about grief and loss experiences is meant to be a “heads up” not as an overall expectation for all children.

A generalized list of a child’s ability to cope with death;

• Understand that we will all die, but do not have a concept of their own death
• Understand that death is final
• Limited understanding of the future as a concept
• Generally believe death happens to older or sick people
• Have a limited capacity to tolerate emotional pain
• Are sensitive about being different from their friends
• Express feelings in play and creativity with art
• May want to avoid negative reminders of the deceased person and prefer to remember the happier times

Children reflect the cultural beliefs of their family when dealing with grief.  .

After a loss, a child may take a long time to gradually process what has happened in their life.  Problematic or being stuck is displayed when grief affects the child’s ability to play and interact with others; when their psychological, emotional and physical development appears hindered by grief reactions; then professional help may be needed.

As with adults, children can have feelings of guilt, denial, anxiety, anger, sadness, and stress related physical symptoms, to name a few. 

Pay close attention to, or an exaggeration of;

• Thoughts of suicide being displayed
• Physical symptoms resulting from strong emotional reactions (psychosomatic)
• Schoolwork concerns etc.
• Sleep problems
• Social interactions declining/isolation
• Regressive behaviour
• Prior health concerns
• Compounded losses
• Depression

Wow!  You can help a child with grief reactions by;

• Sharing your grief story
• Respecting a child’s need to grieve differently
• Being open to hearing a child talk about the deceased
• Being age appropriate with explanations
• Being accepting of a child’s story
• Crying and being sad with the child
• Giving permission to “FEEL” emotions

Most of all show LOVE and express your caring for the child.

All my best

            Barbara Saunders

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am going to briefly touch base from a generalized perspective on grief and loss related to children approximately ages 2 to 5.  Please be aware of the fact younger children are grouped into developmental segments with loose boundaries; developments in age, maturity and understanding of death are different for every child.

Some points to consider when dealing with younger children are;

• The child may be limited in their ability to tell you how they feel.
• The child may not be able to express the pain of their loss in what you may see as an appropriate manner.
• Many children grow to understand their loved one (perhaps a parent) is in heaven and watching over them as a protector.
• The reality of a child’s life prior to the death and their past experiences with death will influence how they handle subsequent deaths.
• The child does not differentiate between thoughts and deeds; the child may think what they did caused the death.
• The child cannot comprehend the irreversibility of death, thinking death is temporary and the person will be okay soon (even if they attended the funeral).
• The child may not understand the concept of death and the body no longer functioning.
• Very young children may not understand death but know what the absence of a loved one feels like and responds accordingly.

Death and loss for children can profoundly affect their life as they grow and mature; keeping the doors of communication open is more important than you can imagine.

In all areas of grief and loss there is need for more research and professional understanding.  Do children and adults grieve differently?  Does a lack of intellectual understanding prevent someone from grieving?  In a professional sense the term grieving may imply a specific understanding of death but does the emotional, heartfelt absence of a loved one extend beyond age?

“If you are old enough to love you are old enough to feel the loss of that love!”

As always I provide information to consider

All my best,

Barbara Saunders

“Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

Frequently I am asked if a child should go to the funeral home.  I will never tell someone what to do but, below I will offer a few points for consideration.

• Future emotional development can be affected if a child is prevented from attending the funeral.
• Do not force a child to participate in a funeral if they do not want to participate.
• Age, psychological and emotional development will determine the degree of understanding a child has about death and loss.
• Sheltering a child from death and loss does not protect them; it sets the stage for the child to create their own scenario of what is happening, which can lead to other problems.
• Permitting a child to be with adults who are grieving gives the child permission to grieve too, to realize that others are sad and cry also. 

How do children interpret their understanding of death and loss?

• Younger children are literal and may think they did something to cause the death.
• Saying grandpa went to sleep may cause a child to be afraid of going to sleep.
• Some professionals refer to the term “magical thinking”, where the child is seen as playing make believe when he or she mentions seeing the spirit of a deceased or hearing their voice. What do you think?
• Children will sometimes draw pictures or find a memento to leave in the casket

Children grieve too and may display signs of;

• disbelief
• emotional numbing
• being angry

• being more irritable and having explosive moments
• worried or fearful someone else will leave them
• sleeping difficulties
• regressive behaviors
• physical complaints such as stomach aches or headaches
• trying to be perfect 

Death and loss are parts of life that most people will experience.  The when and where a death occurs are out of our control but we do have a say in how we respond to the situations life presents.  As adults we teach the younger generations how to deal with grief and loss, please choose wisely.

As always, I open the door to discussing different concerns.

All my best,                    

Barbara Saunders

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”